Thursday, December 29, 2005

Notes in the Margin

I tend to get bored in class alot. When this happens, I get bored. In Thermodynamics (MECH 330), which I took last year I doodled in the margins. I decided to finally scan all these and put them in the blog. This was really my only source of entertainment in the class.

This is the story of the doodles...

I believe this first one is really heady, it has something to do with wormholes or "branes", depending on which theory you subscribe to. No further comment really.

I think this was supposed to be a guitar.

Another incomplete picture. Sometimes the fun does have to stop and I actually have to pay attention.

At some point in the past I looked through alot of old early 20th Century political cartoons, which have the odd habit of labelling everything blatently. I find this hilarious and a little insulting. Unfortunately, this pattern is still continued today.

This comes from a joke between Jeff Colden and I. Imagine a Tyrannosaurus Rex attempting foreplay...

This started out as an idea courtesy of Strong Bad - Lil' Brudda. I elaborated on it.

I put a lightning bolt on all my tests. Its a sign of male virility.

This is just a long margin. No explanation neccesary.

This needs no explanation.

I have no idea where this comes from, but it leads to the next idea.

This is based on an old cliche. See if you can guess what it is. Also, I ran out of room on the page.

Making fun of Atlas Shrugged, and Dali, and Socialism. I'm such a poser Communist.

I think these fish are actually called Hooker Fish. Either way, I have a booklight that looks like the light that they hang off the front of thier head. Unfortunately my newly shorn hair does not provide much purchase.


The upper part is actually a legit note. The lower part is me trying to make an ambigrammatic logo for the Improv Show. This is shortly after I read Angels and Demons. Notice that the p and h match up nicely.

Woo hoo. I just watched Narnia. I hate child actors. I'm off now, to do something more physical.

Friday, December 09, 2005

What's wrong with me?

I'm been looking for a good time to write for a while, and now it is.

Lately, as I've achieved the goal of making my life more dynamic, I'm doing more interpersonally. Fuck the foreplay...I saw two people today I've hurt, recently. I don't understand - I'm not Catholic but I have the wierdest guilt complex. One of my earliest coherent memories is of offending a kid in a wheelchair during a skit. His name was Kyle. I still feels pangs whenever I bring that up to myself.

I am and will always be a perfectionist. Not the good type - I'm afraid to do things that I will fuck up. So what is wrong with me? Everybody has personality disorders, but what is a disorder?

Guilt is the worst feeling ever. Which is, of course why I have it so often. It seems like I get caught up in dwelling about the past and am paralyzed. The fact that I'm writing this is very telling, isn't it?

Also, I'm a narcissist. Let's be honest. I crave attention, which is why I am constantly on stage. When I can't get attention from others, I masturbate for it. Which is why I'm writing this.

I overthink things. This also comes from the onstage thing. I constantly think of drama, trying to be cute or what I would look like from an audience perspective. I feel like I'm going through life in third person, never actually in the moment, with the exception of when I get dumbed down with alcohol, pot, or some other overwhelming sense, like tiredness or my horrible libido.

Also, once I have something, I don't respect it. I know a friend of mine, who would hang with me and a few people years ago, but then sort of advanced onto other things, then barely acknowledges us. Maybe its a Darwinist thing. But I feel like that, building shitty bridges. Am I afraid of committing? I'm so afraid of missing a moment or whatever. FEAR, thats my problem. My consumption of information and experience and everything else is so voracious that I can't taste shit. I'm all numb. I wake up and am tired constantly. I want to be like Jesus and go off into the forest and learn without a reason. I want to have children to have someone to give to, yet not be in the position to give them less than what they deserve. I want to be perfect and useful to everyone that I meet and at the same time be myself and start that revolution that I've been talking about.

That's a long list.

For anyone out there, I want to say I'm sorry but maybe I should stop. I'm being indecisive. I won't say sorry for anything specific except that - I'm sorry for being me.